Big Bird

If all the turkey consumed in the last week came back as one giant bird, it could squash the Capitol rotunda flat, kick over the Washington Monument and snap F-18s out of the sky with its cruel hundred-foot beak. Hopeless crowds would scream while rivers of smoking gravy gushed down the slopes of mashed potato mountains faster than a man can run. "Meat, please," as partner Bill says, "meat with lard sauce." For Zantac, Propulsid, and the little purple pill, we give thee thanks, oh Lord.