Another rainy Monday

As we teeter on the brink of the election and a third peak of the pandemic, it’s the little ordinary things that stubbornly remain ordinary that I find so discombobulating.

Given the tumult of event and emotion, there should be fireballs in the sky, chasms collapsing underfoot, not one day after another, same as it ever was. Mind and world refuse to rhyme.

Another rainy Monday

On another rainy Monday the leaves show gold
and lemon and brown against the greens of pine
and cedar. Election signs drip in the yard. No
pressing business, I refill my coffee mug and sip.

On my screen, the COVID tracker tells me I live
in the current hotspot of the county. On my screen
the electoral map shows my guy doing pretty well.
In social feeds my virtual friends strongly urge me:

to pray, to vote, to wear a mask, to wash my hands, 
to send money, to feel outrage, to be afraid – very
afraid. They say the world is burning. They say we’re
all gonna die! They say their scream jars are full up.

It’s another rainy Monday morning in America and
flags hang limp, as if exhausted from all that waving.
But leaves are still leaves, coffee still coffee, and
there is leftover homemade apple pie for breakfast.

The ordinary strangely endures, the river and clouds.
But fear and loathing too go on and on – tightness
in the chest, hypervigilance, angry mind milling stone
to dust. Waiting, waiting on the advent of the awful.

On another rainy Monday the ragged crows perch
still, squirrels stash away their winter plunder,
business as usual. Cars go back and forth from home
to village. All things ordinary behind their masks.

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In the fall of fever, 10/8/20

On this day, the official COVID-19 death toll in America hit 213,000. It could have been any unimaginably large number, but was this. I wanted to capture indirectly the feeling of waiting and grief and isolation, of anxiety too long endured and of foreboding brought forth by ongoing social unrest and political strife. I was aided in this writing by the nonstop booming of rifles and shotguns being sighted in by my neighbors getting ready to enter the woods in camouflage.

In the fall of fever, 10/8/20

Two hundred thirteen thousand leaves
have fallen in the yard. They fall all day
and keep falling all night while wind
waxes and wanes like the Harvest Moon.

And after moonset, two hundred thirteen
thousand stars spray out across
the firmament, recalling all the fireflies
of summer, but cold now and still.

Two hundred thirteen thousand raindrops
drum on the roof just before dawn,
jolting me from restless sleep to stare
at the ceiling until my heartbeat slows.

This day will darken early, and earlier still
each day. Soon the trees will strip naked
to embrace the snow. Soon the hunters
will stalk with long guns their merry prey.

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Gathering Chi

Chinese character "chi," life energy

In my Facebook feed the other day was a picture of muppets from Sesame Street saying “The year 2020 is brought to you by the letters W, T and F.” Too true.

In my Tai Chi class, we start by warming up with a set of Qigong exercises, one of which, described in the opening lines, gives this poem its title.

This is a time when we all need to find a still point of balance and take a breath.

Thanks to Gimli, son of Gloin for the closing quote.

Gathering Chi

Feet at shoulder width, toes forward,
hands at waist, turned in. Roll hands,
lift arms out and up, breathing in, up
to steeple. Turn hands down and push
to waist, breathing out. And repeat.

I asked a teacher what to do with all
the energy that arose from meditation.
She said energy is everywhere, just
reach out. If too much, bow more –
eight full prostrations, or 16, or 108.

On the other hand, tonglen meditation
tells us to breathe in suffering, and to
breathe out compassion, becoming
sort of a MERV-13 filter made of meat.
Whatever it takes to heal the world.

The Bible says that God breathed us
up from dirt, and that every breath
we take contains that same breath.
Such we need and such is provided.
“Keep breathing, that’s the key.”

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Waiting Room

When times are dark and seem to be getting darker, sweet pastoral reflections feel a little disingenuous.

Waiting Room

Each of these lines contains five silent prayers,
accent falling on the silence. Rhyme scheme
is irregular as nothing is similar to anything.

Voice is only person – mask over my mouth
muffling words beyond hearing across vast
social distance – what little one can find to say.

Half a year now in the waiting room. Who can say
how much longer? The clock says only tick-tock,
heart says only lub-dup. What else can be said?

Wildfire will be quenched or wildfire will spread;
America will fall or will find some way forward.
The waiting room is empty but for the waiting.


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Reading Chinese poets

Hanshan and Shide, detail, 15th Century hanging scroll. Metropolitan Museum of Art.

I first started reading Chinese poetry in high school. transporting myself from small-town ’60s America into mountains and rivers without end.

Now I find myself going back to the first books I bought for myself back then and re-reading them (and me) through 60-something eyes.

Reading Chinese poets

When I was young, I imagined
how fine it would be to get drunk
in the moonlight by the river
in the company of Li Po.

Now, having grown long in the tooth,
I’d prefer a mountain hut like Hanshan’s,
but with my host gone off on a long ramble.
Who can think with all his chatter?


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In the Summer of Fever

Corn field in summer. Royalty-free stock photo

When I wrote “In the Spring of Fever,” I hoped that one season would do it. Alas. This poem came to me out of the weird congruence between such a beautiful summer and the grinding fear and anxiety of a pandemic that shows no sign of abating.

In the Summer of Fever

Day after day flotillas of cumulus fly
through bright skies. Rain falls scant
and brief, barely wetting the ground
before the sun breaks through again.

How to reconcile such splendor, all
this shining, with the weight of worry
like the smoke of distant forest fire
hanging day and night upon the air.

Masked children huddle close to moms
and dads in the store. Silent people wait
for takeout the regulation six feet apart
rocking on their heels with arms crossed.

How can the sky be all a-riot with sunset
while my heart fills with lights and sirens?
It twists up the brain like fever dreams.
How can the dying be only just begun?

No one will speak of it. Will it be me?
Will it be worse than me? Don’t ask.
Unload the groceries and cook the dinner.
Do the next thing, then try to go to sleep.


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Back to the Table

"Georgia, the Art of the Feast." Photo: Irma Sharikadze, Creative Commons, some rights reserved

Here is an occasional poem I wrote back in 2011 as a table grace for a GardenShare event in Canton, NY. GardenShare is a locavore organization that shares the bounty with schools and food pantries, etc., and promotes sustainable agriculture and good food policy. I rediscovered it in going through old email correspondence with the late, great Vermont poet David Budbill. Until I ran across it again I had no memory of ever having written such a thing.

Back to the Table

Lord, Lord. Here we all are again, gathered round the table.
Something smells good—and I’m not talking about
your cheap aftershave, Uncle Jim—I mean kitchen good.
Makes me grateful to have a nose—such as it is.

Grateful too for this company. These friends–both convivial
and annoying, my relations—the dear and the dreadful.
Strangers—who are family as long as the food holds out.
And for all enthusiastic eaters of every time and place

who so love the world they want to wrap it with their bodies,
who labor like mad scientists at evening kitchen counters
brewing endless arcane and sometimes unpleasant compotes
in the hope of one astonishing gastronomic feat. Bless them.

And bless these Pac-Man children of ours, chomping their way
through the maze of shelves in the fridge–ng-ng-ng-ng-ng ng ng ng.
Bless these dyspeptic old farts, well a-nod before dessert and coffee.
And bless me too, Lord; for I fear I may do myself a little damage.

Bless the farmer, by whose magical sweat dirt and rain and seed
transform to corn, mutate to potato, come into bean, bulge into bulb.
Bless the turned earth, stinking with spring, and all that springs from it:
tuber and pod, root and grain, fruit and leaf, stalk and flower.

It’s all good. And good too, are our munificent brother beings:
thanks for the bees and the cheese, for ghee and goat,
for the egg and the chicken it rode in on. And for all our brothers
upon whom we dine, until it’s their time to dine upon us.

Thanks for cultured bacteria, who, like You, toil invisibly on our behalf,
for yeast, laboring a thousand generations to make this croissant flaky,
who transform water into wine, and multiply the loaves of our daily bread.
May their reward be as generous as this pastry I weep to contemplate.

Bless my pie hole, as ready to receive as any baby bird, that chews its way
through space and time, from birth to death. This constant companion,
my ever-emptying belly, that delights in soup and subs, salad and salsa,
sesame and saltimbocca, sassafras and stew—that stands ready,

and yea—more than ready, for whatever may emerge from the kitchen.
Holy is the hand that stirs the pot, holy the hand that serves, holy
this table of our communion. My tongue and teeth consider all this
and declare it to be beautiful. I open wide with words of praise.

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The answer to everything

Stock photo: PikRepo

Life is full of complicated questions, seemingly impervious to solution, no matter how you clench the jaw or chew the pillow. The mind backs up like bad plumbing. Everything starts to smell a little funky. Luckily for us, every now and then all those complicated questions will find a simple answer.

The answer to everything

Needing once again to be out of the house,
I invent a few errands in town and ride out
into the full fresh green of June. A perfect day,
when all the tired old earth’s hurts are hid.

These cool mid-June days – just enough breeze
to keep the bugs at bay, but buttery with sun,
and such a hullabaloo of puffy clouds carpets
a sky that couldn’t be any bluer if it played the sax.

This is a day that has the answer to everything.
Pandemic? Green leaves, blue sky, white clouds.
Anxiety? Green leaves, blue sky, white clouds.
Anger? Green leaves, blue sky, white clouds.

Tires singing on the road, scent of pine and water
rushing in through the rolled-down windows.
For now, I’m happy as a house-bound workaholic
can be. Out of the house, out of my worried mind.


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In the spring of fever

Staying home is light duty when compared to the daily round of danger faced by health workers and all the other essential neighbors who live fully exposed to the coronavirus pandemic.

But even light duty gets old after long enough. As my friend Bob told me long ago, “It’s not the length of time that bothers me; it’s the intensity.” Boredom and uncertainty, with just a touch of panic, makes for an intense mix.

In the meantime, as Michael Valentine Smith remarked succinctly, but cryptically – in Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land – “Waiting is.”

In the spring of fever

Facebook tells me the trillium are blooming downstate
but I have not seen one, and that the heron have returned,
though I have not seen one fly. Somewhere fruit trees bloom,
but not the old apple beside my drive. Not yet. Not yet.

Each day it’s easier to keep indoors, working, watching
the news, working some more. Making another meal
and washing up. Keeping to a sensible bedtime. Waiting,
hiding out, the way a hare waits out the prowling owl.

Each day is much like the next – four weeks, five weeks?
What is time? The hair has grown down over my ears.
The days blow by like leaves. This is how, in fairy tales,
the wizard, lost in thought, turns into a tree on the hill.

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Snow Day

Snow falling on the Setback in Wanakena. NCPR Photo of the Day archive: Kristin V. Rehder

I remember how eagerly I used to listen for the school closings on WPDM when I was a kid. Will it be a snow day? I think my father, being a teacher, listened with similar anticipation. A snow day was the touch of grace, an unanticipated diversion from business as usual.

Thanks to the power of the cursed internet, my snow day yesterday meant a work day at home, doing all my usual duties on a much smaller screen. But who’s bitter? Saturday will do just as well, sending out this poem composed in my pajamas.

Snow Day

All night while I was sleeping snow came down,
the way time invisibly accumulates until one
morning this is this face I see in my mirror.

What plans I might have had for the day – poof.
Nothing is moving from here to town, nothing
moving among the white-freighted trees.

Only the snow is moving, steadily downward
as I peer out through the north-side windows
and school closings crowd out the radio news.

But the reassuring rumble of the furnace is steady;
the pantry and the fridge are good for days yet.
Why get dressed? Why not cook some comfort food?

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